Monday, November 8, 2010

Ides of March (lyrics and explanation)

I finally thought something might work out alright
but then it died during the Ides of March.
Birthed in November to brave the Winter,
only to fade before the Spring got its start- now

I have to bury one more thing in my backyard
once again this year during the Ides of March.

Just 'cause I'm used to getting double-clocked
doesn't mean I'm yet steady as a rock.
Termination doesn't always follow expiration...
Does my "Key to Tragedy" even belong to a lock?
'Cause now

I have to bury one more thing in my backyard
once again this year during the Ides of March.

It might sound like self-pity but I'm starting to worry
I might be immune to Love,
because despite how much of it I dose out I still doom
everything I touch.
And these short-lived tragic-love-affairs
are getting to be too much.
And I just don't know if I'll ever grow to a point
where I can say when I've had enough.

Is it necessary?
Must I really bury one more thing?


I'm kind of banking on the fact that no one really reads my blog so it won't be a big deal if I put up the blatancy of these lyrics for the couple of people that would really care or appreciate it. Fingers cross'd.

Yes, as the website says, it is about my dog-child (Ulalume) dropping dead when I least expected it, but Fate and I have an interesting way of brushing up against one another... or, I guess, I'm just always watching for when it crosses me, and I take note.

In December 2008, I went through a major breakup with someone who was also in a band (A band with which one of whose songs begins: "Bury me in your backyard...")- at the time we both lived in L.A. After a few months of silence and separation, we found ourselves fraternizing at SXSW 2009 in Austin, TX, and by the end of that, we, at least, burned off some of the bitterness. At most, in my mind, we were on our way to possible reconnection or the happy medium of making peace. Upon our return home the Universe shifted our worlds dramatically and I lost him a second time, permanently. We both moved to separate areas of the country and never (really) spoke again.

My area was Austin. The Monday commencing SXSW 2010, Ula died. When I got home from my day job lunch-break, my "brother"/platonic-lover Joshua James, his band, and the guys in my Austin band were already smoothing over the dirt of her resting place in the backyard of my house.

Needless to say, I sort of lost it. I made some irrational decisions in the moment because I was distraught, namely. Gigging every day at the busiest time of the Austin musician's year, with all my friends and label and management in town, plus working my full-time shitty-day-job was stressful enough... losing Ula was a serious emotional blow for me, and would have been at any time of year... but why exactly a year after I had to bid farewell to my last human love?

Nuclear meltdown: Everything I touch turns to shit. I can't keep anything. I can never be close to anything. I'm doomed to be alone and destroy everything good that ever comes near me. Oh, yes, and all of it uncannily timed to remind me that I'm destined to never feel as though I belong to something.

So, I quit my job in an irresponsible way, drank until I turned blue, and wept on my knees in the freshly-turned-over earth of her burial site (with one bare hand in the ground and the other clasped around a handle of Jameson). Oh, yeah, and went through a lot of tissues and slammed a lot of doors. This went on for a while until I took my old buddy Memphis (my acoustic guitar) out there during the day on the 17th and wrote "Ides of March" in one sitting, wearing precious Ula's collar around my wrist.

I still miss those Sweethearts (terribly, in fact). However, all I can do at this point is say, "well, I learned something." I'm not any closer now to finding a home than I was at either of those times, but at least I now have a better idea of who I am and what I want. I just wish Ula were still around to benefit from a better me.

Bessie is my new canine companion and she keeps me busy and entertained. I of course would like to find a new human love- I'm very much trying to be open to it, with horrible results. I just can't help but wonder if I'm just self-prophesying my loneliness, or if I really do just "doom everything I touch."


All I have is a picture in my mind how it would be
If we were together.
Let's pretend that you're far away
Let's say you write to me,
And you promise in your letter
That you'll come home
Home to my heart.
When you come home,
We'll never be apart.
If I keep dreaming of you
And believing it's true,
Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart...
If I believe...

- Anne-Marie's Theme from "All Dogs Go to Heaven"


Unknown said...

It must have been really hard for you, that unexpectedly... SO heartbreaking...
But at least you have a huge talent that enables you to came with such a beautiful song, and im sure Ula is proud and happy wherever she is right now.
I absolutely LOVE your music, here in Argentina (so i cant go to see you live... but well, maybe some day)

Hope you are ok, cant wait to hear the rest of the album


Pauline said...

Your lyrics are great, interesting & intense so as the story. I always like to read some new lyrics from you! Because it's so uncommon & so mischievously written. You're talented & we have a huge chance to read everything you wanna share with us.

Believe me, we're a lot here to enjoy your writings.